imatreenow | ✘ appointments

[Learning to see. He thinks about Kaori, and he thinks about Sayo, and the world he had started to discover while clinging to their hands, a world that seemed a little less sharp, a little less cold. He pushes the memories away, because that's all they are now - memories. And that feeling, the one that there are more colors beyond just grey, is gone forever.]

Don't bother. The person you are concerned for disappeared a long time ago.

Did he? Because I remember him rather well, that means he exists. [He can't help but sigh a little, a voice in the back of his mind telling him to let go of this for now. But this person, whether it was Mithos as he knew him or not, was headed for war, and that was a danger he understood well.]

If you want me to keep my thoughts to myself, I don't know how well I would manage that.

No, he's dead. [His voice presses sharply. He will force Aleos to realize that he doesn't care about him. That there's nobody to care about anymore, because he doesn't need anybody here, not one of them.] He lived in a world of dreams, and then he woke up. I'm not that person anymore, and I never will be again.

You know, you're not making any sense right now. You keep saying 'he,' over and over, that you aren't that person anymore, and here you are saying that he is still you. [Just step away already, he knows he should, but that worry in the back of his throat pushes him to stay.]

I don't expect you to understand. [All Aleos needs to understand is that Mithos cannot be touched. He is a fortress that cannot be breached.]

Nor do I, because I'm not you. All I can understand is what I see of you. [Which, if it wasn't clear enough, meant that Aleos had no intention of leaving Mithos alone no matter how much he asks.

Part of him still acknowledges him as his friend, and the other... Mithos reminded him of someone.]

[But it isn't clear to Mithos, because he doesn't understand why Aleos wouldn't drop everything and leave him alone to bury the pieces.] Then tell me, what do you see?

The guy who was afraid when he showed up, but decided to reach out anyway. Now I'm wondering how bad that fear was that you would want to push everyone away now.

[What had happened...?]

[Fear. He lays exposed. No matter how high he tries to build the walls, how thick, he can't seem to cover the thousands of fractures cracking its structure. Is he really so pathetic that he can't keep his heart hidden? Everyone around him has the discerning eyes of predators.

He tries again. A cold scoff.]

What is there to be afraid of? [What isn't there to be afraid of?]

I can think of plenty of things, I don't doubt we even share a few of them in common. [Those fears hadn't always been there, but they keep growing in number every day.

Mithos wasn't Human, he'd made that clear and the way he spoke all those times gave him a glimpse of the worries he had.]

[He's supposed to be hiding everything, but he can't stop the question from slipping out, pushed by the curiosity that has lingered in the back of his mind since he first met the other boy.]

So it's true...you're not a human either, are you? [It might be foolish to ask supported by only the thinnest evidence. He regrets it almost immediately, because does it even matter? He tells himself that he doesn't want Aleos to understand. He doesn't want him to get ideas. He doesn't want anything from him.]

I think part of you might want me to be, just so it's easier to push me in with the rest of them, right? [It wasn't an outright yes, but it was close enough without outright saying it. Just because he's been told it won't matter doesn't mean he can reverse months and a future of fear just like that.

It was hard to not remember the nightmares he has about what they've done to him, and others he cares about.]

[He can say nothing, because Aleos may be right - it would be easier if he could just write him as a human and not look back. He hates looking back, but he's always had difficulty looking forward.]

...It doesn't matter anyway. [He's tired of letting others raise his hopes, only to dash them on the ground again. He refuses to give into that cycle. And so, he backtracks.]

... I'm sure it doesn't. [But his tone doesn't support that statement at all, it's clear that he doesn't believe it. That he asked if he was Human or not was telling in and of itself.]

Survive anyway.

I will, but not because you command me to. [His voice glints with a steel edge again, but it is dulled as if forced to fight for far too long. Without further comment or thought, he shuts the journal.]

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