[Aleos's words, his presence, the ugly thoughts decomposing in his mind...all had drained his heart already, but now whatever was left inside him shrivels, collapses, folds down into nothingness. His limbs still feel like stone on the verge of crumbling.
On a level no others are ever likely to.
His relationship with Kaori was grounded in the resolve that they understood each other in a way nobody else ever would, so to hear that she found that with someone else... He had been replaced. The realization sinks in deeper, burrowing its barbs into him so it cannot be pulled back out.
But it's not just that. They would wed. That final statement carries the cold omen of a death sentence. His fists are shaking. He wants to break his knuckles hitting something; he wouldn't even care. Because she was - is - so important to him, and because he can't trust Aleos with her. Because he hates the idea of her smiling at him and holding his hand.
An old thought - something he had almost forgotten about - rises in the swamp of his mind. The difference between caring about someone as a friend, and caring about her as...he doesn't know what. Something more.
It scares him with its strange newness. New because all his experience with anything like that was all fabricated, something he hated and tried to cast from his mind. New because...he had never stopped to think about it. He had been too wrapped up in his desperate goals, his hatred, his anger, his doubts, and every other ugly preoccupation clouding his sight.
1/2
On a level no others are ever likely to.
His relationship with Kaori was grounded in the resolve that they understood each other in a way nobody else ever would, so to hear that she found that with someone else... He had been replaced. The realization sinks in deeper, burrowing its barbs into him so it cannot be pulled back out.
But it's not just that. They would wed. That final statement carries the cold omen of a death sentence. His fists are shaking. He wants to break his knuckles hitting something; he wouldn't even care. Because she was - is - so important to him, and because he can't trust Aleos with her. Because he hates the idea of her smiling at him and holding his hand.
An old thought - something he had almost forgotten about - rises in the swamp of his mind. The difference between caring about someone as a friend, and caring about her as...he doesn't know what. Something more.
It scares him with its strange newness. New because all his experience with anything like that was all fabricated, something he hated and tried to cast from his mind. New because...he had never stopped to think about it. He had been too wrapped up in his desperate goals, his hatred, his anger, his doubts, and every other ugly preoccupation clouding his sight.
But...]