[His voice is only growing more desperate, straining to shield him from their words as they sink into every fracture dividing him. He doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to see, think, be.] Then what are we supposed to do? Bear their hatred? Turn a blind eye to the past so that we can be happy? [He doesn't know what that means anymore - he's lost the definition, and he can only try to find it in scraps of memories piled at the bottom of his heart. And he hates Aleos again - out of jealousy, out of a defensive spurning of what he can't have - for knowing how to overcome the bereaved hatred that forces its way into the hearts of everyone like them.]
Even if the people here are different, that doesn't make forgiveness or trust any easier! Why can't you see that? [Understand. He can't change, and waiting for him to be someone else is only wasted time, hope, expectation. He doesn't understand why they would be so invested, why they would care. For him? Why? Understand please understand just leave me alone.
But he had learned to change, once, twice, just a little bit. Letting someone in through the barricades he'd built - that others had built - around him, learning how to trust, how to understand, how to to care again. How to belong somewhere - the rare feeling he'd grasped in the bastion of Sayo's apartment, and in the spaces he'd shared with Kaori, when they could be alone and forget that anyone else lived in the village.
He thinks about everyone whose hand has tried to reach out to him - not just Freyjadour and Aleos, but Jeb, Silver, Eleytheria, Aang, Henry, more... More people than he's ever had by his side - truly by his side - in his life. Could he really find somewhere to belong with them? No. He's afraid to try. He's afraid. He doesn't have the strength to hold out his hand and keep it there; he can only lash out to slap everyone else's hand away, and clench the knife tighter.]
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Even if the people here are different, that doesn't make forgiveness or trust any easier! Why can't you see that? [Understand. He can't change, and waiting for him to be someone else is only wasted time, hope, expectation. He doesn't understand why they would be so invested, why they would care. For him? Why? Understand please understand just leave me alone.
But he had learned to change, once, twice, just a little bit. Letting someone in through the barricades he'd built - that others had built - around him, learning how to trust, how to understand, how to to care again. How to belong somewhere - the rare feeling he'd grasped in the bastion of Sayo's apartment, and in the spaces he'd shared with Kaori, when they could be alone and forget that anyone else lived in the village.
He thinks about everyone whose hand has tried to reach out to him - not just Freyjadour and Aleos, but Jeb, Silver, Eleytheria, Aang, Henry, more... More people than he's ever had by his side - truly by his side - in his life. Could he really find somewhere to belong with them? No. He's afraid to try. He's afraid. He doesn't have the strength to hold out his hand and keep it there; he can only lash out to slap everyone else's hand away, and clench the knife tighter.]