twenty [action]

[imatreenow]

[Almost a week ago Mithos had returned from a mission, the first he'd ever volunteered for. It may have seemed a strange choice for someone who trusted no one, who loathed being a pawn for others, to submit himself as a lab rat for combat testing, but his choices are narrowing around him. There is something he is after. Something he can finally close his fingers around, after watching it all scream past him for so long. If he is going to be used by the Malnosso regardless of his choices, it is better that he gains something from it - which he'd had to remind himself many times to dampen the sour taste sitting in the back of his throat.

Now back in the village, he has resumed the same quiet routine as before. In the early morning, before the sun is too hot in the sky, and before too many villagers are awake, he can be seen hunched over in the garden around House 52. He tries not to wonder if the flowers, planted with the thin hope that his sister might have the chance to enjoy them, amount to anything more than a vain effort. When he decides he needs more supplies, he makes sure to visit the flower shop in the early afternoon - wondering, like a scratch in the back of his mind, if school is still in session at all, or if he'll run into someone he would rather not see at all.

Later in the day, he withdraws to the woods south of the village to train. Four thousand years of fighting are wired inside his muscles, but it doesn't hurt to stay as sharp as possible. He's still getting used to the subtle differences between a proper sword and the knife he now relies on. Slicing the air, going through the motions of killing, he feels like he is building something. When he's done, he settles in against the base of a tree and draws the ancient set of panpipes from his pocket. He usually prefers to play inside, where the music of his sister cannot be heard by prying ears, but surrounded by the forest and his thoughts he can almost forget that people exist. And so the notes come out, clear and steady.]

Comments

[sketchingideals]

...can you tell me that things have really improved since October? [Jeb sniffles, able to pull his hand away from his eyes.] And... you don't seem very happy now.

[He takes a few steps forward, but doesn't come too close. His eyes are pleading.]

Mithos, I want to be with you. As your friend. [Like he promised. Like he'll continue to promise, as many times as Mithos asks to hear it...] ...I want you to be happy, because you shouldn't have to be sad. You shouldn't have to face everything by yourself.

[imatreenow]

[He takes a step back without meaning to. He doesn't want to be here; he doesn't want to hear this. He doesn't need anybody. Or is is that he's afraid of needing somebody? He's stared down that path before, turning his eyes away before he can see too far, before he can want it, even as his feet point forward.]

Stay away from me!

[His voice is threaded with desperation, something raw and unraveled. He can't look at Jeb, because he doesn't want him to read the fear painting his face. He's been here before. With Sayo, what feels like a long time ago. Cornered and lonely - he can hardly remember a time when he wasn't - and afraid to reach for someone's hand but tired of running, tired of everything.

No, he's going to be strong now. How many times had he told himself that, while knowing deep in his skin that he would never be able to harden his heart? How often had he confused sheer power with the kind of strength he covets? Had he been weak in letting others help him before? Didn't he have to find the strength to support those relationships, when it would have been easier to give in to his fears?]

[sketchingideals]

Mithos, you don't have to do this to yourself! [Jeb's voice cracks, and this time he can't stop himself from crying.] You can't tell me none of this matters to you, because I know it's not just me you're...

[He can't finish that sentence. Mithos probably knows how it's going to end anyway.]

I'm not going to stay away! Even if you threaten to hurt me. Even if you do hurt me! You've done those things before, and they didn't make me go away... [His voice dissolves into soft sobbing for a few moments, but he does manage to find it again.] ...so nothing is going to make me abandon you now.

[imatreenow]

[He doesn't have to look at Jeb to know that he's crying, and he hates the way his insides twist because he doesn't want to remember a time like in a dream when he cradled their friendship in both hands, when he thought he had little else to hold on to.

He steps backwards again, this time more aware that he is shrinking away from Jeb. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to think. He doesn't want to feel.]

Go away! Why can't you be like everyone else? [It would be so much easier. He could run until Jeb just fell out of his mind and he could leave him behind.

And then what would he have?]

[sketchingideals]

Because I know that isn't what you want. [It's not arrogance. It's what Jeb has witnessed over and over, something painful and sad but he can't make it stop.] And it isn't what I want for you, either. I care too much about you to go away. You're worth too much to me to turn my back on you.

[Then he falls into that soft sobbing again.]

Why do you want me to be like everyone else, when I can't do that?! When "everyone else" is exactly what you don't want from people...?

[imatreenow]

[Jeb knows too much. Jeb can see through him. He's weak. He will be strong stop being weak be strong. He won't need anyone. He will wait for his sister, and hope for Kaori and Sayo, and he won't need anyone else. He forces these thoughts through his head; he tries to empty himself of everything else.

Although he tries to tame the rawness in his voice, it strains at every other word.]

Because everyone else knows to leave me alone. [But how many others in this village still tried to reach out to him? How many times had he been bewildered by the persistence of kindness here? No, it's all fake. Fake, fake, fake, because nobody is kind.]

[sketchingideals]

But that's not what you want. Even back then, you didn't want to end up alone... you told me that yourself! [He's wiping at his eyes again.] Besides, it's not everyone else! What about Freyjadour, and Tear? They helped you, after I was too hurt to do it myself.

[Hurt because he protected Mithos. It's not something he regrets, either. He steps forward again.]

I wanted to do it myself. I wanted to protect you... but I'm glad Freyjadour and Tear helped us, despite that. A-And doesn't that show that it's not just me?

[imatreenow]

I never asked for their help! [But he had needed it - there's no way he wouldn't have been killed if left on his own back then. Jeb is right. How many had helped him, or tried to help him, when he always anticipated the worst out of them? When he had been young and - he thought - foolish, how many had welcomed him after he worried they would reject him like so many had before?

This village has never been what he expected.

Jeb is right.

He fights back the only way he can - shutting his ears to reason, shutting his eyes to what is standing right in front of him. Let nothing get through to him, don't let it touch him. He steps back.]

[sketchingideals]

[Jeb takes another step forward.]

Mithos, please. Even if you didn't ask for their help, doesn't it show that I'm not the only one who won't leave you to be lonely? [Because Mithos can't argue with Jeb that he isn't. Not when Jeb can argue right back with every proof he has that Mithos is.] Isn't... isn't that something?!

[He wipes his eyes again, then holds his hand out to Mithos.] It doesn't matter how many times you push me away. I'll continue to protect you when I have to. I'll continue to care about you.

[imatreenow]

[A matching step backward.]

No, it isn't! It isn't anything! [He can't let it be something, because then he might start to believe in it, and what if it's all pulled out from underneath him again? What if there was nothing to stand on to begin with?

He refuses to look at Jeb's outstretched hand for more than a split second. He doesn't want to see in Jeb the friend he had gratefully held onto months ago. The friend who still wanted to be his friend in spite of the terrible secrets unraveling in his hands back then, and in spite of the sharpness he hasn't stopped throwing these past years. In spite of how many pieces he's in.]

They're all nothing to me! Nothing!

[Nothing, absolutely nothing, he doesn't need them he doesn't need anyone because he's going to be strong stop being weak stop wanting things that are impossible--]

[sketchingideals]

...how much longer are you going to tell yourself that, Mithos?

[It's not asked in anger, in malice. The tone in Jeb's voice is nothing but pure sorrow. This time, he isn't stopping with his steps forward.]

How much longer are you going to say those things, when we both know they're not true? I'm not going to let you force yourself into solitude, when you told me yourself that's not what you want!

["There were people who wanted to help me...who offered to be my friend, but I wouldn't listen. Why can't he-- I see that they're just trying to help?"

Jeb hasn't forgotten what was said back then. And it's not just backed up by that. There's also the event that led to Jeb making his first promise to Mithos, the way he found out too much to begin with. Even if there were memories of romance fabricated into the mix, the bracelet from that time is still around his wrist. It holds the weight of two promises now, and Jeb won't break them.]

I can't convince you of anything. I can't force you to stop. But I'm going to stay by your side, and you're still my friend.

[imatreenow]

[The familiar feeling of claustrophobia, even though the trees grow far enough apart to provide a labyrinth of escape routes. He's been here before. Left with nothing to argue, nothing to protect himself, nothing to hide behind. He's been here before and he had decided to stop running back then - to turn around, brace himself, and see what would happen.

He can't. Not again. It pounds through him like a sickened heartbeat. I can't. I can't I won't be strong be strong be strong.

I don't want to end up like that! His younger self - a reflection of a past that he lost a long time ago - had been terrified of what he would become. He had believed in change and possibilities and all the things Mithos can't anymore. He hadn't understood. Or had he understood something Mithos couldn't anymore? I just wish I could see that...

He throws Jeb a look that tries to be a glare, but his bewildered eyes betray him. Then he does something he's never done before: he turns and briskly stalks through the trees without another word. No insult, no fierce denial. Nothing.]