twenty [action]

[imatreenow]

[Almost a week ago Mithos had returned from a mission, the first he'd ever volunteered for. It may have seemed a strange choice for someone who trusted no one, who loathed being a pawn for others, to submit himself as a lab rat for combat testing, but his choices are narrowing around him. There is something he is after. Something he can finally close his fingers around, after watching it all scream past him for so long. If he is going to be used by the Malnosso regardless of his choices, it is better that he gains something from it - which he'd had to remind himself many times to dampen the sour taste sitting in the back of his throat.

Now back in the village, he has resumed the same quiet routine as before. In the early morning, before the sun is too hot in the sky, and before too many villagers are awake, he can be seen hunched over in the garden around House 52. He tries not to wonder if the flowers, planted with the thin hope that his sister might have the chance to enjoy them, amount to anything more than a vain effort. When he decides he needs more supplies, he makes sure to visit the flower shop in the early afternoon - wondering, like a scratch in the back of his mind, if school is still in session at all, or if he'll run into someone he would rather not see at all.

Later in the day, he withdraws to the woods south of the village to train. Four thousand years of fighting are wired inside his muscles, but it doesn't hurt to stay as sharp as possible. He's still getting used to the subtle differences between a proper sword and the knife he now relies on. Slicing the air, going through the motions of killing, he feels like he is building something. When he's done, he settles in against the base of a tree and draws the ancient set of panpipes from his pocket. He usually prefers to play inside, where the music of his sister cannot be heard by prying ears, but surrounded by the forest and his thoughts he can almost forget that people exist. And so the notes come out, clear and steady.]

Comments

[halflived]

You were trying to hide me. [Those soft words were not a question, and the hurt in them was clear as his shoulders first tense, then slump as he forces himself to stand straight rather than stay in the instinctive position to either fight or flee he had been easing into subconsciously. Even here, people were keeping secrets from him and trying to protect him at their own expense. And as always, the truth emerged.

He was tired of it, and had no intentions of backing away.] Tell me, is he always like this?

[He inclines his head toward Mithos jerkily, eyes narrowed again.] Did he act this way toward her?

[falenandawn]

I was hiding you both from each other. [neither of them would fare well from a meeting, had been Freyjadour's thought process. The look he gives Aleos out of the corner of his eye is clearly apologetic. He didn't want anyone hurt, but in his mind, after how Aleos had reacted to him, and with how close he was to Kaori, it was for the best.] I regret that I had to lie, but the outcome, as you can see, would have been messy and painful for the both of you. I am only grateful it has not become physical. [A hint, and a warning.]

Yes, he is. And though I tried to prevent it, occasionally. [He return his gaze to Mithos to offer a look that is both stern and slightly apologetic. He did not want Mithos to experience such turmoil, regardless of the other's view of him.] Compromise and sharing are not your greatest assets, Mithos.

[and he had always had a strong suspicion that Mithos felt more for Kaori than friendship.]

[imatreenow]

[He hates that he can't even argue with Frey's decision to hide Aleos from him - because he wishes he didn't have to see all the ways Kaori is connected to other people. He wishes he could erase his confusion. But his hatred is restless, and his aggravation is growing heavier, and he doesn't know how to wield it.

When Aleos asks his questions - his accusations - his heart claws at his ribcage, his jaw clenches, and his knuckles turn white. He opens his mouth, but no words have formed - only an indignant exhalation falls out.

Then when Frey answers, and addresses him - more accusations - more of the ugliness boiling inside him tries to spill out.] Go ahead and make me the villain! Neither of you understand!

[what it's like to have so little that what you do have, you cling to out of the permanent, lurking terror that something will happen and it will all be gone-- And he regrets it, the time - "occasionally" - that he had pushed his hostility toward Kaori and forced her away. He regrets it because now it means that he lost all that time he could have spent with her, and he won't get it back.]

[halflived]

... I don't want to make you the villain, Mithos. Not when you managed to reach out to her. Or are calling all of us villains? ['Us' being the victimized halflings. He has to look away from Frey's apologetic glance, knowing that if he held and continued speaking he would say something in a way he didn't mean to. Though part of him was grateful that Frey was here, seemingly as a mediator, it would be that much more difficult to be as honest as he wanted to be.

Besides, part of him feels that he owes something to Mithos, everyone who knew her, but he most of all. If he had truly felt something more for her...] I still remember, you were one of the few I spoke consistently with when I first arrived. Are you telling me to turn kindness into hatred? I think that would be offensive to everyone.

[falenandawn]

I never said anything about making you the villain. Do not confuse my words as something they are not. I do not hate you, I never have. [He didn't. But he couldn't allow Mithos to hurt others..... and himself, for that matter, with his actions. That was why he had taken up the job of watching him, with Raine. He had hoped that with time, Mithos might gain some sort of equilibrium, might find some semblance of happiness. He cared about him, but he would not turn a blind eye to his faults.] It is far from it. You were a friend to her, and someone who understood her in ways that I could not. But I will not lie and say you never hurt her or encouraged her hatred in ways that did nothing but cause her difficulty.

[....More difficulty than Mithos realized, admittedly. But Freyjadour couldn't tell him that. Could not tell either of them that.

It would hurt the both of them far more than he could stomach.]

[imatreenow]

[He flings the same argument at Frey as he had at Aleos before.] What was difficult for her was living around so many humans and having to hear that she shouldn't hate the people who hurt her in the past. It's not wrong to hate! Nobody else understands that sometimes you have no choice but to hate!

[But neither of them are saying that they hate him. He had always felt the heaviness of disapproval - which he interpreted as distrust, judgment - from Freyjadour, and hatred dwelled on the same spectrum; Aleos has every right to hate him, out of the same spiteful jealousy that is crackling and hissing inside of himself. But they don't. He doesn't understand. Hatred is easy. Its gratification feels instant, even if it never truly comes - but just the empty feeling is enough to trick him into believing hatred accomplishes something, anything.

He doesn't know what Aleos means by "us" - the three of them clustered in the woods? Or "us" - him, Kaori, Aleos, others like them... His eyes fix wildly on him.] We're not villains! But you can't deny that the rest of the world likes to think that way.

[halflived]

You're right, the hatred she had was justified. [He had heard the stories, seen her scars as well as watched the hunts once they began, when people decided that they shouldn't be a secret and opened the door to accusations, people disappearing and witnessing firsthand exactly how a man was detained over a simple act of kindness. Relishing that anger and sense of disgust was easy, so easy and he sometimes longed to just give in to its false promise of fulfillment.

But then he would always remember the frightened look of a loved one's face.] That's what makes us the villains when we choose that and act on it, Mithos. We justify their hate. Do you think I don't wish it all just stopped already, that we're just left alone?

[He doesn't realize that he's shaking, not when his teeth begin to grind together as he fights for composure, to cling to it desperately because if he lets go, he's lost. The chance to help someone who understood would slip away, and he knows Frey is standing there fully Human and ignorant of what he really is, but he can't stop for him no matter how much it scared him. Even if he did, it would mark him a hypocrite for what he says next, his voice almost heavy with the emotion wanting to overtake him. Understand, please understand. If not for his own sake, then for that girl who somehow refused to back down as she offered an understanding smile.]

What has being alone ever done for us? All it has done is make it that much easier to believe that there isn't anywhere safe or someone who will ever hold their hand out because we never took the chance to look for it. But you know that's not true, don't you?

[Because once, and even now, Mithos called another person who once believed the same his friend.]

[falenandawn]

I know it was justified. I know what she went through. I know her world is cruel, that humans there have treated her and all like her with cruelty. I also know people are capable of many travesties, both against groups of people in general and entire races. [He didn't know from firsthand experience, not like Mithos, Kaori and apparently Aleos had. He hadn't missed the use of 'us'.

But he'd seen it in the fear shown towards humans by the beavers, in the chosen isolation of the elves and dwarves, in the cruelty of certain towns towards non-humans... in the dead and the fires set to beaver lodge. In the building of Hatred Fortress. In the knowledge that any non-human in Stormfist could have been killed. He'd seen it in Kaori's blind eyes, in her nightmares, in Mithos' distrust and violence and vulnerability.] But Luceti is different. Few here come from the same world, and that makes such things nearly impossible to manifest. She had a chance to have a life here without that hanging over her. You still have that, too. You don't have to be alone.

[His voice is slightly tight with held back emotion, a plea for understanding. With Kaori, all he'd wanted was for her happiness. He wished Mithos could see it, wished he could realize it, could grasp that happiness himself. He had thought, with Sayo.... But once someone learned to live one way, how difficult must to be, to accept a different reality?] Clinging onto hatred in response to hatred is a way to survive. But it isn't a way to live.

[imatreenow]

[His voice is only growing more desperate, straining to shield him from their words as they sink into every fracture dividing him. He doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to see, think, be.] Then what are we supposed to do? Bear their hatred? Turn a blind eye to the past so that we can be happy? [He doesn't know what that means anymore - he's lost the definition, and he can only try to find it in scraps of memories piled at the bottom of his heart. And he hates Aleos again - out of jealousy, out of a defensive spurning of what he can't have - for knowing how to overcome the bereaved hatred that forces its way into the hearts of everyone like them.]

Even if the people here are different, that doesn't make forgiveness or trust any easier! Why can't you see that? [Understand. He can't change, and waiting for him to be someone else is only wasted time, hope, expectation. He doesn't understand why they would be so invested, why they would care. For him? Why? Understand please understand just leave me alone.

But he had learned to change, once, twice, just a little bit. Letting someone in through the barricades he'd built - that others had built - around him, learning how to trust, how to understand, how to to care again. How to belong somewhere - the rare feeling he'd grasped in the bastion of Sayo's apartment, and in the spaces he'd shared with Kaori, when they could be alone and forget that anyone else lived in the village.

He thinks about everyone whose hand has tried to reach out to him - not just Freyjadour and Aleos, but Jeb, Silver, Eleytheria, Aang, Henry, more... More people than he's ever had by his side - truly by his side - in his life. Could he really find somewhere to belong with them? No. He's afraid to try. He's afraid. He doesn't have the strength to hold out his hand and keep it there; he can only lash out to slap everyone else's hand away, and clench the knife tighter.]

[halflived]

It doesn't make it any easier because they're not the ones you want to see suffer the most, right? The same way you did? They have no idea why you want to see them burn, because there is no way for them to understand exactly what you saw and felt. [All those people going missing inexplicably, and no one bothering to search for them even though he wanted nothing more than to scream at them that they were living beings, too. But that never worked, they had been without voice for so long that when they did speak, it only drove more fear into the people they wished would listen.

It was a cycle without end, and he could only fall to the mercy of it and pray that the people he loved most wouldn't be drawn into it so viciously.]

You don't have to bear their hatred... because there are others out there who are willing to do it for them. But the more you hate, the more they have to endure it for you. The more she does. [Not just she, so many others, so many too many—]

Did you ever actually see her cry?

[imatreenow]

[He knows the logic does not connect. He knows that no matter how many others he immolates, it will not bring what he lost - his sister, his heart - back from the ashes. But he also knows the anger that has pumped through him like acid, the despair that has hollowed him to a fragile husk. He knows these too well. Like an enemy you obsessively study - hoping to find the key to his defeat - whose identity you compulsively consume in the process, until you know him better than you know any friend.

Logic cannot soothe a pain so searing and raw.]

Of course I did! I never wanted to, but-- [But it had also meant there was someone as weak as him, someone he could protect, who needed him--] ...but I was there for her. I helped her.

What about you? How can you just forgive humans and move on? [How come you aren't stuck, paralyzed, like him, like both of them?]

[falenandawn]

[And that he cannot let go.] You made her cry.

[His voice is firm. Not an accusation, merely a statement of fact. He remembered how Mithos' inability to compromise, to let her have other feelings besides hatred towards all of humanity, had hurt her. How poisonous that mindset could be to Kaori.] You tried to make her choose because she had humans she cared for and lived with. You couldn't accept it. You became angry and refused to speak to her. She cried.

You were a friend to her, I will not deny that. You were likely closer to her in ways I never would have been. But that does not change that you were cruel to her for having others who cared for her in her life. [He would not hide away from the facts.] Your inability to see humans as entities beyond the ones that hurt you both, hurt her.

[In many ways. Some Freyjadour would never tell him. He wasn't cruel.] I've seen her cry; More than once. She woke up in tears from nightmares, but she still sought me for comfort after them. She knew, at least, the difference between the humans who hurt her and her friends and family. Perhaps she still didn't trust me as much as I'd like to hope....perhaps not even as much as you. but she at least knew that.

BREAKING TAG ORDER EVERYWHERE yea

[halflived]

[He was ready with an answer for Mithos almost as soon as he asked, ready with more explanations about the significance of tears to their people, to their family. He was ready to explain it all as calmly as he could even though his hands and shoulders were shaking, even though the lump in his throat made it seem as though he would be unable to speak the same way he was unable to all those other times, when he didn't know how to express what he wanted because submissive silence was all he had ever been allowed.

He was going to give Mithos that chance until Frey spoke, and at that moment he could only see red.

Nothing else he said registered because he could feel the heat or rage building in him, nails digging firmly into his skin that it would be no surprise if he was drawing blood. If there was any pain to it he felt nothing, nothing except the burn in his eyes and a sense that was not quite betrayal, but was definitely more than simply 'hurt.']

How could you do that?! [His feet carry him forward, ready to launch himself toward the blonde with full force, to this man who had dared to so intimately hurt someone he cherished. It was one of the few things that was almost unforgivable to him, and the expression on his face was not enough to convey it.

For what he did to her, he wanted to see Mithos hurt—the part of himself that held to the desire for peace and acceptance was washed away for this split moment as his hands reach out with the intention of harm, the dirt and earth around them shifting and being thrown about violently in response to his emotions.] Why would you do that to her?!

APPARENTLY SO Hi Kath you can go next I swear.

[falenandawn]

[The look of surprise on Frey's face at such a violent reaction from Aleos makes it clear he hadn't expected it, but he reaches out to grab the smaller teen as he realizes what he's about to do, gripping his arm to hold him back. If he had to hold him back bodily, he would. As angry as he had been at Mithos over what he'd done back then, he certainly hadn't reacted with violence, even if he'd wanted to. It wouldn't have helped Kaori's situation.

He's completely unaware of the thoughts going through Aleos' mind, or the significance of what he'd just said had happened. All he knows is he doesn't want this to progress to violence, not with that knife still in Mithos hand. He works to pull Aleos away, and more importantly, out of the range of any possible retaliation.] Aleos, stop it! Hurting him won't change the past!

[imatreenow]

[He doesn't get a chance to defend himself against Frey's accusations. This is an onslaught. Relentless. He whips the knife - her knife - out in time with Aleos's first step, the blade glinting defensively. As the earth lurches with Aleos's rage, he has to fight to keep his balance. Even after the other boy is restrained, he does not lower the knife.]

Shut up! You don't know anything! [He can excuse everything with those simple words, everything he's ever done.] I didn't...I didn't mean-- [But he did mean to hurt her back then. Cut the strings tying them together and break free. Freedom isn't what he found afterward, not in the emptiness of his chest when he shut the journal and crumpled into tears.]

You don't understand! [The fear of being left behind. The need to be the one to do the leaving. Hurt them before they can hurt you. He didn't think he had a choice at the time. He didn't know what else to do, he was scared.] I came back to her, didn't I? We were friends again...she said she needed me! She needed me...!

[His voice strains beneath the weight of everything he wants to say, everything he can't say because he doesn't know how. It's too raw to tame into words, too large and unwieldy to fit inside something as compact as a sentence. Even as he clings to excuses, tries to wrap himself in the absence of responsibility, he wishes he had never done it. He wants to take it back. The pain she must have felt, the pain he dealt himself, the long empty months without her, wasted, when she was still in the village and he had the chance to be by her side. A chance he might never have again.

It's another reality he doesn't want to face.]

[halflived]

Freyjadour let go of me! [He makes no secret of how upset he was, nor does he pay any attention to how much force he's exerting into trying to get out of the prince's grip. All he can focus on was the fact this person, this person who must have meant so much to someone he cherished, had hurt her this way. There was no doubt that this person had broken her heart, had made her cry when they almost couldn't, when it was so difficult to even with the grief they dealt with every day. How did it feel to be torn apart so intimately by someone she trusted enough that he had begun to fall in love with her?] Release me...!

[The knife doesn't even register to him yet, he doesn't realize how close he is to being hurt by something that had been crafted so carefully by the hand of a cherished friend. If he were aware of it, the recognition of the handiwork would have been enough to stop him where he stood. No, all his efforts are on trying to make this person understand what a twisted mistake he made, to try to see behind the burning in his own eyes that she had been hurt so terribly—]

It won't stop the past but it can make him appreciate the present! What did he do to deserve that kindness if he tortured it?!

[falenandawn]

[It's difficult to hold onto Aleos, but hold on he does, fingernails digging in slightly as he tries to use his greater height and weight to hold him back. He didn't want to hurt Aleos, but if he didn't calm...

His suspicions had been correct. Mithos had had a weapon on him all along, and he would not see Aleos injured, much less with that blade. Once he realizes the Knife is out to stay, he takes a different tactic, working to wrestle the smaller brunette into a position where his own body would at least be a shield in case of attack. The shaking earth did not make this easy.] It is as much my fault for not watching her carefully enough....! But she would not want this!

[He turns to glance at Mithos, keeping most of his focus on keeping Aleos away but his eyes are steely. He was doing his best to keep them apart, and would make his body a barrier as much as he could, but this was still dangerous. He had to try to get them both to stand down, as difficult as it was, or the situation would not defuse. His voice is firm: a warning as much as a command.] Put that away. She would shed tears once more if you used that knife on him, and I will not allow it. She did not leave you that for this.

[imatreenow]

[He pierces Frey with his glare.] You yourself said that I could use this knife to defend myself, and that's exactly what I'm doing. You're right there - don't even try to deny it! He tried to attack me first. I haven't broken any of your precious rules. [He spits the word out like a fire spits out an ember. He hates that he must allow himself to be confined to anyone's imposed rules, for fear of physical detainment. Just another way he cannot be in control.]

Both of you are hypocrites! You get angry at me for not forgiving others, you lecture me about letting go of hatred, but neither of you will forgive me for something that already happened, something I can't go back and change!

[halflived]

I never said I wasn't! [It's an accusation he's lived with for as long as he could remember, one that he long ago acknowledged as a part of himself he would always hate, that he can't be as ready to forget as the women who raised and risked everything for him.] I didn't say to let it go!

[Control, that's all they can do that's all he wanted he doesn't want to see their blood on his hands again, it was all him it was all his fault. If he had only had better control...!

It doesn't matter that Frey is restricting him so, he still tries to go around him even though his hands move of their own accord, gripping on to him almost as though he were his last lifeline as he tried to stop shaking, earth still flying up around them as his breath began to go into an irregular pattern. He didn't want this he didn't want to think about that pain, how much it must have hurt if she was driven to tears...]

[falenandawn]

Condemnation or forgiveness was not mine to give. She gave you her forgiveness, and that was the end of it. But I did not forget. [He couldn't dictate who she saw, though at the time he wanted desperately to. It would have been cruel of him to deny her that choice. But it did not mean he could forget actions that could hurt her. He had needed to keep her safe.

He'd failed once again in his efforts to keep people safe, but he was going to at least try to make sure no injuries happened. He keeps his grip on Aleos, trying to keep his balance in a shake that reminded him of an earth rune spell. What was he doing....? His voice isn't yelling, but it is strong, firm, trying to gain some sort of understanding from them both.] Because I wanted to keep her safe and happy. And now I want to keep you both safe.

That is why I am asking you both to stand down.

ugh sorry

[imatreenow]

[Then what are you saying? He doesn't understand anything about Aleos. He doesn't understand how she could have treasured someone like him - but that might be the jealousy screeching inside him, deafening him to the answer. And maybe there is a whole swath of Kaori he doesn't understand, not really. He never understood Freyjadour, somebody kind, somebody who claimed to care, somebody she could trust. He doesn't even understand himself right now. All he understands is confusion, and the raw ache of unfinished ends. Questions left unanswered, answers blown to questions.]

Fine! [He doesn't lower the knife, but he carefully steps back to show he never wanted to be here.] Fine...I don't even care what you think! [The quickest way to tear this confrontation down...] Just leave me alone, both of you!

/snugs Kath forever

[halflived]

[Aldreios can't bring himself to reply again to what it was Mithos said, not when his throat feels so thick and constricted, burned by words that had wanted to escape for so long when he heard those words. The other halfling had hardly been the first to say that, and he doubted he would be the last. It was a fact of life, that there would always be pain. He only wished there didn't have to be so much of it...

His head ducks to hide his face in Frey's chest, shoulders hunched as though he were starting to curl into himself. And perhaps he was, if his hands weren't gripping so tightly onto Frey's arms as he trembled; if he was hurting the older man, he didn't notice. Not when strangled noises managed to escape and he felt so sick, clinging to this man who was his only anchor right now.

Looking at Mithos at this very moment was unthinkable, not when he felt he would only hurt so much worse if he did. The pain he was feeling right now wasn't his alone, and it was so much more than he could handle even as the earth began to calm down. To look at Mithos would mean inviting his heart to try to take on as much of his anguish as he could, and he couldn't bear it anymore as he trembled more violently, wanting to scream but being unable to.]

/snugs you both

[falenandawn]

[Those gripping hands, strong as they were, weren't rejected. Between the way Aleos curls in on himself, the trembling and the noises, it was a call for comfort Freyjadour sought to answer, wrapping his arms around him firmly in a grip that was no longer a grapple, but a hug, letting the smaller boy bury his face in his chest as he pleased.

Mithos was backing down. Aleos... Aleos wasn't going to attack anyone, not now. Both of them were hurting, but he couldn't solve these pains. This meeting was something he'd sought to avoid because of it.

He turns his head, glancing at Mithos out of the corner of his eyes with a sad look. He wished.....] I'm sorry, Mithos.

[He wished Mithos wasn't so dead set on tearing himself.... and everyone else, apart. He wished things had ended differently, back then. He wishes there was a solution that could ease things now. But 'I'm sorry' was all he could offer at the moment, when Mithos rejected everyone around him.]

/snugs all around

[imatreenow]

[He doesn't want to, but he can still see the common lines drawn between him and this boy he can't understand, doesn't want to understand. Maybe he isn't strong either. Aleos's body - swallowing itself, trembling - reflects everything Mithos feels right now. His heart feels gutted, but full in the way an infection is full of pus. It's too much. He wants to rip it all out, even the wheezing, dilapidated frame, so he can forget what even the remainder of a heart feels like.]

You can say that as many times as you like...it still doesn't change anything.

[He continues to back up. The earth has calmed beneath his feet, but he can still feel the tremors deep inside him. A few yards away he turns, flipping the knife's blade away, and he runs. He has nowhere to go but an empty house where he can only try to hide from the ugly monsters howling inside him. All he needs is to not be found.

Alone, again. Always. Maybe he was always alone. A fool for thinking otherwise.]