twenty [action]

[imatreenow]

[Almost a week ago Mithos had returned from a mission, the first he'd ever volunteered for. It may have seemed a strange choice for someone who trusted no one, who loathed being a pawn for others, to submit himself as a lab rat for combat testing, but his choices are narrowing around him. There is something he is after. Something he can finally close his fingers around, after watching it all scream past him for so long. If he is going to be used by the Malnosso regardless of his choices, it is better that he gains something from it - which he'd had to remind himself many times to dampen the sour taste sitting in the back of his throat.

Now back in the village, he has resumed the same quiet routine as before. In the early morning, before the sun is too hot in the sky, and before too many villagers are awake, he can be seen hunched over in the garden around House 52. He tries not to wonder if the flowers, planted with the thin hope that his sister might have the chance to enjoy them, amount to anything more than a vain effort. When he decides he needs more supplies, he makes sure to visit the flower shop in the early afternoon - wondering, like a scratch in the back of his mind, if school is still in session at all, or if he'll run into someone he would rather not see at all.

Later in the day, he withdraws to the woods south of the village to train. Four thousand years of fighting are wired inside his muscles, but it doesn't hurt to stay as sharp as possible. He's still getting used to the subtle differences between a proper sword and the knife he now relies on. Slicing the air, going through the motions of killing, he feels like he is building something. When he's done, he settles in against the base of a tree and draws the ancient set of panpipes from his pocket. He usually prefers to play inside, where the music of his sister cannot be heard by prying ears, but surrounded by the forest and his thoughts he can almost forget that people exist. And so the notes come out, clear and steady.]

Comments

[halflived]

Then I will assume it is a passing phase, common when we are of this age. Nothing more. [But he knows that's not true, that dismissing this could be a grave error. He knows what position he has placed himself in upon admitting the status of his relationship with Kaori, had seen firsthand how someone courting could act in a bout of jealousy. And he knows how offended he himself would be if someone trivialized his treasured relationships that way, platonic or romantic.

So why was he doing it? To bait Mithos? No, that wasn't it. He wouldn't do that when it came to matters that could do easily wound the heart. Perhaps this was his own way of further discovering the extent of Mithos' care, and more than anything what sort of person he would be toward her, with the way he will react.

Whatever it may be, he knows that when it comes to people he valued so deeply there was no room for error.] If you don't need me to explain, I will believe you when you say she is a dear friend. Some people have episodes when they find their friends in a different light, but it might be nothing more than a passing thought.

[imatreenow]

She's not just a passing thought! [He's speaking with his heart instead of his head, and contradicting what he had said just moments before. His fists are still shaking, aching for destruction. He can't stand the thought of Aleos belittling what he feels for Kaori, or believing that he could somehow care about her more.

Which means he's just proved himself wrong, hasn't he?

He re-tightens his glare, trying to seal himself off as much as he can, hating how vulnerable Aleos has rendered him.]

What do you even want from me? [A hasty change of subject, because he doesn't want to think about all the new thoughts eddying through him. What is the point of thinking about all of this now? No matter how he feels, she's gone. And he doesn't need her absence to hurt more than it already does.]

[halflived]

I want to know the people who protected her when I couldn't, who somehow made her smile. [He owed gratitude to every one of them, even if he wasn't sure how he would even express it or if they would even want it. Like Mithos, would they all not take it well that he had more time with her, that when he goes back home he will have more time?

He knows it would be almost unbearable, hearing that.]

I could ask you the same thing, you were the one who asked if I knew her. There's things I know about her that I'm sure you would want to know... Or you want me gone simply because I do know her. I can't think for you.

So the better question is what do you want from me, that's what you should be asking. [Even if he's asked the question may times, from so many different people. Even if the frustration made him crumple and want to turn the world away.]

[imatreenow]

[His mouth fills with questions, but will the answers draw him closer to Kaori or just make him feel the vast distance between them more sharply? He already has too much to think about. He wishes he hadn't let his curiosity lead him - hungry for even a whisper of Kaori's presence, he hadn't been able to stop himself.

It always hurts to be dragged out of ignorance. To be pulled out of the cave and forced to take in the eye-searing sunlight.]

I just want to be left alone. [His voice is wooden as he tries to keep his emotions locked up tight, where they can carve him from the inside but no one will know.]

[halflived]

... I don't think you want me to actually do that. [The look on his face, the sound of his voice and everything he has said up until now, everything was contradicting each other in a way he... understood.

Being a halfling himself, he knows how it all feels to have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions clashing inside him, attempting to one over the other as surely as his different bloods did. So he can't believe Mithos wants that.]

You asked how I could tell from a song... the truth is, I'm not entirely sure. I just know the pain of missing someone I can't reach no matter how much I may want to.

[imatreenow]

You don't know what I want! [And neither does he. He just wants to believe that he isn't as lost as he really is, that the endless litany of doubts and questions bubbling up from somewhere deep inside him can be silenced if he just presses down on it hard enough.

But he knows he doesn't want these words of understanding - words that reach into him and tie them together - from Aleos. Not when it's something Kaori used to give him. Something only she could give him. Something he had ached for for so long, something that had always, always been missing--]

And don't pretend to understand how I feel!

[halflived]

No I don't, because you keep giving all these mixed signals that really? The act of that makes more sense to me than either you or I would probably like to admit. [It was infuriating, like staring at a shadow of himself that he knows exists with him and will always follow no matter how far he runs. Always there, always haunting yet innocent and representing what it was he hated about himself.

That's the core of why he can't let this go, can't really afford to. There were answers in his hostility whether he wanted them or not.]

I'm not you, you're not me, Kaori is neither of us and the same can be said for every other person out there, regardless of bloods. That makes it more devastating doesn't it? So why are you trying to destroy what little understanding you can get when it's so precious and rare already?

[imatreenow]

[Because he's scared. He's scared of being hurt, of being disappointed, even if he can't get any more broken, even if solitude is what broke him into such tiny pieces to begin with.

He hates that Aleos can read his confusion, like his skin is paper-thin and the gnarled feelings inside him is plainly in sight. He hates that he doesn't know how he feels or what he's thinking, because he doesn't know how to hide it if he can't discern its shape.]

Just leave me alone!

[The space between the trees feels narrower. He doesn't want to be here. He wants to hide from himself. Does he feel that way? About her? He's still searching through memories even as he tries to empty his mind. ...I want you to stay... Because I'm happy you were born...

His hand reaches into his pocket, brushing against the handle of the knife, and his stance shifts just slightly. If he could cut everything away...]

[falenandawn]

[If Mithos and Aleos had desired privacy for their chat, they'd rather quickly lost it with how loud Mithos' voice had gotten. The sound of a familiar voice yelling had alarmed Freyjadour, worry creeping into his mind as he quickly began to make his way towards the distant voice.

His pace just increased when he heard a second familiar voice and several scenarios, none of them good, coming to mind. He had tried to avoid the possibility of this meeting happening, tried to give Aleos no leads that would lead to a meeting that would doubtlessly end badly if certain information came out, but even he knew the chances of that working in such a small village would be slim indeed.

It doesn't take him long to locate the two, and the cornered, rageful look on Mithos' face is enough to make that worry spike into caution, a million possibilities as to what might have placed that look on his face coming to mind as he steps into view.] Mithos.

[His tone is quiet, but firm. Whatever was happening, he wasn't about to let it escalate.]

[halflived]

[Any answer he had for Mithos, all those words he surely would have fired back die when he hears someone come closer, and not just anyone but the very person who had forced so many questions out of Aleos himself, in an effort to understand this place and the time before he was here.

He doesn't know if he's happy to see Frey when he steps into view, maroon eyes widening as he hears him speak Mithos' name. So he knew this other man to some degree, and he knew Frey had explained to him before of people close to his friend.

But he hadn't spoken of every one of them, had he?] Freyjadour...?

[imatreenow]

[He whips around to face Freyjadour, eyes gleaming with a claustrophobic terror that's trying to pass off as raw intimidation. In his pocket, his fingers tense around the knife handle.]

You knew. [It does not waste time being a question; it is an accusation, sharp in the way broken glass is. Someone had to have told Aleos that Kaori has been here, and the finger is pointing at Frey.] You knew that someone from Kaori's world was here!

[He wouldn't have expected Frey to deliver him that piece of news, but being left out leaves him bitter anyway. Another drafty reminder that no one is on his side, by his side.]

[falenandawn]

[As he had thought, this had not gone well at all. If he had thought Mithos could handle this rationally, he might have told him... But knowing him as he did... And knowing what Kaori and Aleos meant to each other, he had thought it best to try to avoid a meeting. Especially with how badly Aleos had reacted to him. Calmly but cautiously, he responds, eying Mithos carefully.] I did. And with how I can see you are reacting now, I was right to keep his presence here from you. She told you already she had family and friends, did she not? If I had thought you to be capable of welcoming him without bitterness, I would have said something.

[Mithos was too possessive.... Too dangerous, for Frey to set him upon Aleos thoughtlessly. He steps forward to be even with Aleos, his gaze falling to the hand Mithos has in his pocket, wondering worriedly if he intended to throw something.]

Aleos, I would recommend backing away.

[halflived]

You were trying to hide me. [Those soft words were not a question, and the hurt in them was clear as his shoulders first tense, then slump as he forces himself to stand straight rather than stay in the instinctive position to either fight or flee he had been easing into subconsciously. Even here, people were keeping secrets from him and trying to protect him at their own expense. And as always, the truth emerged.

He was tired of it, and had no intentions of backing away.] Tell me, is he always like this?

[He inclines his head toward Mithos jerkily, eyes narrowed again.] Did he act this way toward her?

[falenandawn]

I was hiding you both from each other. [neither of them would fare well from a meeting, had been Freyjadour's thought process. The look he gives Aleos out of the corner of his eye is clearly apologetic. He didn't want anyone hurt, but in his mind, after how Aleos had reacted to him, and with how close he was to Kaori, it was for the best.] I regret that I had to lie, but the outcome, as you can see, would have been messy and painful for the both of you. I am only grateful it has not become physical. [A hint, and a warning.]

Yes, he is. And though I tried to prevent it, occasionally. [He return his gaze to Mithos to offer a look that is both stern and slightly apologetic. He did not want Mithos to experience such turmoil, regardless of the other's view of him.] Compromise and sharing are not your greatest assets, Mithos.

[and he had always had a strong suspicion that Mithos felt more for Kaori than friendship.]

[imatreenow]

[He hates that he can't even argue with Frey's decision to hide Aleos from him - because he wishes he didn't have to see all the ways Kaori is connected to other people. He wishes he could erase his confusion. But his hatred is restless, and his aggravation is growing heavier, and he doesn't know how to wield it.

When Aleos asks his questions - his accusations - his heart claws at his ribcage, his jaw clenches, and his knuckles turn white. He opens his mouth, but no words have formed - only an indignant exhalation falls out.

Then when Frey answers, and addresses him - more accusations - more of the ugliness boiling inside him tries to spill out.] Go ahead and make me the villain! Neither of you understand!

[what it's like to have so little that what you do have, you cling to out of the permanent, lurking terror that something will happen and it will all be gone-- And he regrets it, the time - "occasionally" - that he had pushed his hostility toward Kaori and forced her away. He regrets it because now it means that he lost all that time he could have spent with her, and he won't get it back.]

[halflived]

... I don't want to make you the villain, Mithos. Not when you managed to reach out to her. Or are calling all of us villains? ['Us' being the victimized halflings. He has to look away from Frey's apologetic glance, knowing that if he held and continued speaking he would say something in a way he didn't mean to. Though part of him was grateful that Frey was here, seemingly as a mediator, it would be that much more difficult to be as honest as he wanted to be.

Besides, part of him feels that he owes something to Mithos, everyone who knew her, but he most of all. If he had truly felt something more for her...] I still remember, you were one of the few I spoke consistently with when I first arrived. Are you telling me to turn kindness into hatred? I think that would be offensive to everyone.

[falenandawn]

I never said anything about making you the villain. Do not confuse my words as something they are not. I do not hate you, I never have. [He didn't. But he couldn't allow Mithos to hurt others..... and himself, for that matter, with his actions. That was why he had taken up the job of watching him, with Raine. He had hoped that with time, Mithos might gain some sort of equilibrium, might find some semblance of happiness. He cared about him, but he would not turn a blind eye to his faults.] It is far from it. You were a friend to her, and someone who understood her in ways that I could not. But I will not lie and say you never hurt her or encouraged her hatred in ways that did nothing but cause her difficulty.

[....More difficulty than Mithos realized, admittedly. But Freyjadour couldn't tell him that. Could not tell either of them that.

It would hurt the both of them far more than he could stomach.]

[imatreenow]

[He flings the same argument at Frey as he had at Aleos before.] What was difficult for her was living around so many humans and having to hear that she shouldn't hate the people who hurt her in the past. It's not wrong to hate! Nobody else understands that sometimes you have no choice but to hate!

[But neither of them are saying that they hate him. He had always felt the heaviness of disapproval - which he interpreted as distrust, judgment - from Freyjadour, and hatred dwelled on the same spectrum; Aleos has every right to hate him, out of the same spiteful jealousy that is crackling and hissing inside of himself. But they don't. He doesn't understand. Hatred is easy. Its gratification feels instant, even if it never truly comes - but just the empty feeling is enough to trick him into believing hatred accomplishes something, anything.

He doesn't know what Aleos means by "us" - the three of them clustered in the woods? Or "us" - him, Kaori, Aleos, others like them... His eyes fix wildly on him.] We're not villains! But you can't deny that the rest of the world likes to think that way.

[halflived]

You're right, the hatred she had was justified. [He had heard the stories, seen her scars as well as watched the hunts once they began, when people decided that they shouldn't be a secret and opened the door to accusations, people disappearing and witnessing firsthand exactly how a man was detained over a simple act of kindness. Relishing that anger and sense of disgust was easy, so easy and he sometimes longed to just give in to its false promise of fulfillment.

But then he would always remember the frightened look of a loved one's face.] That's what makes us the villains when we choose that and act on it, Mithos. We justify their hate. Do you think I don't wish it all just stopped already, that we're just left alone?

[He doesn't realize that he's shaking, not when his teeth begin to grind together as he fights for composure, to cling to it desperately because if he lets go, he's lost. The chance to help someone who understood would slip away, and he knows Frey is standing there fully Human and ignorant of what he really is, but he can't stop for him no matter how much it scared him. Even if he did, it would mark him a hypocrite for what he says next, his voice almost heavy with the emotion wanting to overtake him. Understand, please understand. If not for his own sake, then for that girl who somehow refused to back down as she offered an understanding smile.]

What has being alone ever done for us? All it has done is make it that much easier to believe that there isn't anywhere safe or someone who will ever hold their hand out because we never took the chance to look for it. But you know that's not true, don't you?

[Because once, and even now, Mithos called another person who once believed the same his friend.]

[falenandawn]

I know it was justified. I know what she went through. I know her world is cruel, that humans there have treated her and all like her with cruelty. I also know people are capable of many travesties, both against groups of people in general and entire races. [He didn't know from firsthand experience, not like Mithos, Kaori and apparently Aleos had. He hadn't missed the use of 'us'.

But he'd seen it in the fear shown towards humans by the beavers, in the chosen isolation of the elves and dwarves, in the cruelty of certain towns towards non-humans... in the dead and the fires set to beaver lodge. In the building of Hatred Fortress. In the knowledge that any non-human in Stormfist could have been killed. He'd seen it in Kaori's blind eyes, in her nightmares, in Mithos' distrust and violence and vulnerability.] But Luceti is different. Few here come from the same world, and that makes such things nearly impossible to manifest. She had a chance to have a life here without that hanging over her. You still have that, too. You don't have to be alone.

[His voice is slightly tight with held back emotion, a plea for understanding. With Kaori, all he'd wanted was for her happiness. He wished Mithos could see it, wished he could realize it, could grasp that happiness himself. He had thought, with Sayo.... But once someone learned to live one way, how difficult must to be, to accept a different reality?] Clinging onto hatred in response to hatred is a way to survive. But it isn't a way to live.

[imatreenow]

[His voice is only growing more desperate, straining to shield him from their words as they sink into every fracture dividing him. He doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to see, think, be.] Then what are we supposed to do? Bear their hatred? Turn a blind eye to the past so that we can be happy? [He doesn't know what that means anymore - he's lost the definition, and he can only try to find it in scraps of memories piled at the bottom of his heart. And he hates Aleos again - out of jealousy, out of a defensive spurning of what he can't have - for knowing how to overcome the bereaved hatred that forces its way into the hearts of everyone like them.]

Even if the people here are different, that doesn't make forgiveness or trust any easier! Why can't you see that? [Understand. He can't change, and waiting for him to be someone else is only wasted time, hope, expectation. He doesn't understand why they would be so invested, why they would care. For him? Why? Understand please understand just leave me alone.

But he had learned to change, once, twice, just a little bit. Letting someone in through the barricades he'd built - that others had built - around him, learning how to trust, how to understand, how to to care again. How to belong somewhere - the rare feeling he'd grasped in the bastion of Sayo's apartment, and in the spaces he'd shared with Kaori, when they could be alone and forget that anyone else lived in the village.

He thinks about everyone whose hand has tried to reach out to him - not just Freyjadour and Aleos, but Jeb, Silver, Eleytheria, Aang, Henry, more... More people than he's ever had by his side - truly by his side - in his life. Could he really find somewhere to belong with them? No. He's afraid to try. He's afraid. He doesn't have the strength to hold out his hand and keep it there; he can only lash out to slap everyone else's hand away, and clench the knife tighter.]

[halflived]

It doesn't make it any easier because they're not the ones you want to see suffer the most, right? The same way you did? They have no idea why you want to see them burn, because there is no way for them to understand exactly what you saw and felt. [All those people going missing inexplicably, and no one bothering to search for them even though he wanted nothing more than to scream at them that they were living beings, too. But that never worked, they had been without voice for so long that when they did speak, it only drove more fear into the people they wished would listen.

It was a cycle without end, and he could only fall to the mercy of it and pray that the people he loved most wouldn't be drawn into it so viciously.]

You don't have to bear their hatred... because there are others out there who are willing to do it for them. But the more you hate, the more they have to endure it for you. The more she does. [Not just she, so many others, so many too many—]

Did you ever actually see her cry?

[imatreenow]

[He knows the logic does not connect. He knows that no matter how many others he immolates, it will not bring what he lost - his sister, his heart - back from the ashes. But he also knows the anger that has pumped through him like acid, the despair that has hollowed him to a fragile husk. He knows these too well. Like an enemy you obsessively study - hoping to find the key to his defeat - whose identity you compulsively consume in the process, until you know him better than you know any friend.

Logic cannot soothe a pain so searing and raw.]

Of course I did! I never wanted to, but-- [But it had also meant there was someone as weak as him, someone he could protect, who needed him--] ...but I was there for her. I helped her.

What about you? How can you just forgive humans and move on? [How come you aren't stuck, paralyzed, like him, like both of them?]

[falenandawn]

[And that he cannot let go.] You made her cry.

[His voice is firm. Not an accusation, merely a statement of fact. He remembered how Mithos' inability to compromise, to let her have other feelings besides hatred towards all of humanity, had hurt her. How poisonous that mindset could be to Kaori.] You tried to make her choose because she had humans she cared for and lived with. You couldn't accept it. You became angry and refused to speak to her. She cried.

You were a friend to her, I will not deny that. You were likely closer to her in ways I never would have been. But that does not change that you were cruel to her for having others who cared for her in her life. [He would not hide away from the facts.] Your inability to see humans as entities beyond the ones that hurt you both, hurt her.

[In many ways. Some Freyjadour would never tell him. He wasn't cruel.] I've seen her cry; More than once. She woke up in tears from nightmares, but she still sought me for comfort after them. She knew, at least, the difference between the humans who hurt her and her friends and family. Perhaps she still didn't trust me as much as I'd like to hope....perhaps not even as much as you. but she at least knew that.

BREAKING TAG ORDER EVERYWHERE yea

[halflived]

[He was ready with an answer for Mithos almost as soon as he asked, ready with more explanations about the significance of tears to their people, to their family. He was ready to explain it all as calmly as he could even though his hands and shoulders were shaking, even though the lump in his throat made it seem as though he would be unable to speak the same way he was unable to all those other times, when he didn't know how to express what he wanted because submissive silence was all he had ever been allowed.

He was going to give Mithos that chance until Frey spoke, and at that moment he could only see red.

Nothing else he said registered because he could feel the heat or rage building in him, nails digging firmly into his skin that it would be no surprise if he was drawing blood. If there was any pain to it he felt nothing, nothing except the burn in his eyes and a sense that was not quite betrayal, but was definitely more than simply 'hurt.']

How could you do that?! [His feet carry him forward, ready to launch himself toward the blonde with full force, to this man who had dared to so intimately hurt someone he cherished. It was one of the few things that was almost unforgivable to him, and the expression on his face was not enough to convey it.

For what he did to her, he wanted to see Mithos hurt—the part of himself that held to the desire for peace and acceptance was washed away for this split moment as his hands reach out with the intention of harm, the dirt and earth around them shifting and being thrown about violently in response to his emotions.] Why would you do that to her?!