imatreenow | ✘ appointments

[He falls into silence, absorbed by the tiny pinpoints of light sprinkling the swaths of the sky that can be seen through the clouds. If Jeb wants to talk, he'll let him, but if he wants silence, he'll allow that too. He isn't sure which will be better for his friend.]

[Eventually, Jeb breaks the silence.]

Right before I was brought back to Luceti, two of the people closest to me got really hurt trying to protect me and my twin siblings. [His voice is slightly shaky.]

[He looks to his friend, his expression one of wanting to help in the face of helplessness.] Is...is that what your dream was about?

[He nods.]

Yes. I've had those dreams a lot since I've come back. I... I feel like I've just been such a burden on my housemate with them, because I've been going to him. I-I just...

That sounds awful... [Having to relive such dark memories over and over again.] I've had nightmares befre, about things that have happened to me and my sister, but...only sometimes.

[And lately, he's had nightmares about his other self, the one he could (will?) become...]

I'm sorry you've had to experience those kind of nightmares, too. [His voice is only getting shakier.] If I had just been stronger, they wouldn't have had to save me... they shouldn't have been hurt on my account! I don't even know if my siblings were successfully protected too!

[And if they weren't--no. No, he doesn't want to think like that. But it's already so unfair. Why did it have to be him who came out unharmed?]

Jeb... [He doesn't know what he can say to help him, to take away some of the hurt.] If they were protecting you, because they love you, then...I don't think they would blame you. They wanted to make sure you were safe.

People keep telling me that. I keep telling myself that, but I... [He looks to Mithos.] I can't stop the guilty feelings from coming back. I almost wish it had been me, even though I know they would be angry with me for even considering that kind of wish.

It wasn't your fault, Jeb. It isn't right to think that way, to think that you should have been hurt. [But feeling guilty... Doesn't he feel guilty for everything about the other version of himself? Even if it isn't his fault, not yet, he still feels horrible, sick deep down in his stomach, about the person he could become.]

[Jeb flinches a little when Mithos stresses "fault." But it's not the word that makes Jeb flinch, it's the fact that Mithos stressed it in the first place. Jeb hates himself for reacting that way. It's not fair to Mithos...]

I know it isn't, but I... I can't help it. I... [Don't like myself.]

Then don't say things like that! [He's a little surprised by how strong his reaction is, but...he doesn't want to think about Jeb getting hurt. He wishes he was better at this - he wishes he knew what words to say to help him feel better.]

[He flinches again, another wave of self-hatred filling him as he does.]

I-- I'm sorry, Mithos. If it upsets you, I won't say things like that anymore...

[He catches Jeb flinching and he wonders if he's going about this in the wrong way. But he's just saying what he feels...] I don't want you to think things like that anymore either.

[He looks over to Mithos.] Mithos... [A small nod.] I'll do my best not to.

[He gives the other boy a weak smile.]

[He breathes out some of the tension inside him.] Good...

[A beat of silence as he gropes for the right words.] I'm sorry...my sister is a lot better at this than I am.

No, don't be sorry. I'm happy that you're trying, at least. [A small pause, before speaking again.] Besides, I don't blame you for being upset over what I said. You wouldn't want people you care about getting hurt any more than I would, right? So... I should have thought about that before I said anything.

It's alright, Jeb. [He tries to smile when he says this, happy that they seem to have reached a plateau of understanding, but Jeb's words sink sharply into his skin. You wouldn't want people you care about getting hurt. He's pulled back to his sister, and what would become of her in a future that always lurks in the dark corners of his mind.]

[Jeb notices the slight struggle Mithos has with smiling. For a few long moments, he doesn't say anything about it at all. However, as things fall into silence Jeb realizes he can't let it continue.]

...Mithos?

...What is it? [He tries again to appear like nothing is wrong, but his nonchalance is forced, and he wonders if Jeb can't see through it like a thin fog.]

...are you okay? I mean, maybe it's just in my head, but you seem sort of... [He struggles for the right word.]

[He's silent for a long moment before he looks up at the sky again.] If the people close to you really did...die... What would happen to you? Do you think something could happen that's so terrible that you stop being yourself?

[For a moment, Jeb tenses up completely. He tries to relax afterwards, but his attempts aren't truly successful.]

When the fear was still fresh in my mind, I questioned every ideal I've ever held close to me. I'd be lying if I wasn't still doing that, I'm just not doing it as much. I think what helps is that I can try to reassure myself that things are fine. Most of the time, it works!

But if I lost Tori and Michiru for real, without a shadow of a doubt, I... [His gaze is at the ground now.] I wouldn't just question everything. I don't even think I could push myself to move forward, not for a long time. Maybe not ever again.

I... I'd probably just collapse into myself, knowing I was to blame for it.

[So worthless...]

[A smile breaks across his face, but it is the crumpled smile of someone who is fighting off tears as Jeb's words shadow the future he has seen and heard glimpses of. It's comforting, though, to hear that he is not the only one. It is not just him who is weak, whose heart would cave in on itself while he decays from the inside.]

I...want to think that I would keep going. That I could learn to be strong anyway. [His voice is shaking, and he stops to swipe at a tear that has loosened itself.] But...I don't know. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my sister. It hurts just to think about it... So if it really happened-- [like it would, one day, and there's nothing he can do about it...]

[Mithos isn't the only one aware of that future, a future where Martel would be lost. Jeb's become aware of that fact as well, without meaning to ever come across it--just like the Mithos this Mithos would become had discovered the cracks along Jeb's own heart. It makes him happy to know, at least, that he can tell this Mithos about those cracks of his own free will. ...even if it might only hurt him in the end.]

Mithos... did something happen to make you worried about this? [He isn't able to completely hide the anxiousness of his tone.]

[He can talk to Jeb about this, can't he? He craves comfort from the other boy, the sort of warmth he doesn't know where else to find right now.]

I found out...a lot of things that I wish I hadn't. [His voice creaks with unshed tears, and there is an ache lodged in the back of his throat.] About what will happen to me in the future... [His voice shrinks.] ...who I'll become...

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