imatreenow | ✘ appointments

...are you okay? I mean, maybe it's just in my head, but you seem sort of... [He struggles for the right word.]

[He's silent for a long moment before he looks up at the sky again.] If the people close to you really did...die... What would happen to you? Do you think something could happen that's so terrible that you stop being yourself?

[For a moment, Jeb tenses up completely. He tries to relax afterwards, but his attempts aren't truly successful.]

When the fear was still fresh in my mind, I questioned every ideal I've ever held close to me. I'd be lying if I wasn't still doing that, I'm just not doing it as much. I think what helps is that I can try to reassure myself that things are fine. Most of the time, it works!

But if I lost Tori and Michiru for real, without a shadow of a doubt, I... [His gaze is at the ground now.] I wouldn't just question everything. I don't even think I could push myself to move forward, not for a long time. Maybe not ever again.

I... I'd probably just collapse into myself, knowing I was to blame for it.

[So worthless...]

[A smile breaks across his face, but it is the crumpled smile of someone who is fighting off tears as Jeb's words shadow the future he has seen and heard glimpses of. It's comforting, though, to hear that he is not the only one. It is not just him who is weak, whose heart would cave in on itself while he decays from the inside.]

I...want to think that I would keep going. That I could learn to be strong anyway. [His voice is shaking, and he stops to swipe at a tear that has loosened itself.] But...I don't know. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my sister. It hurts just to think about it... So if it really happened-- [like it would, one day, and there's nothing he can do about it...]

[Mithos isn't the only one aware of that future, a future where Martel would be lost. Jeb's become aware of that fact as well, without meaning to ever come across it--just like the Mithos this Mithos would become had discovered the cracks along Jeb's own heart. It makes him happy to know, at least, that he can tell this Mithos about those cracks of his own free will. ...even if it might only hurt him in the end.]

Mithos... did something happen to make you worried about this? [He isn't able to completely hide the anxiousness of his tone.]

[He can talk to Jeb about this, can't he? He craves comfort from the other boy, the sort of warmth he doesn't know where else to find right now.]

I found out...a lot of things that I wish I hadn't. [His voice creaks with unshed tears, and there is an ache lodged in the back of his throat.] About what will happen to me in the future... [His voice shrinks.] ...who I'll become...

...Mithos...

[Somewhere, deep down, Jeb had been afraid of that. Afraid Mithos would find out about his future. But Jeb can tell how afraid Mithos is of that--how could he not be able to tell? Before he fully realizes what he's doing, he's pulling Mithos into a hug. It's not too tight, but not very loose either.]

I... [He rubs Mithos' back, trying to comfort him. But it's awkward, and deep down Jeb is afraid that Mithos will be upset with him for not telling him the truth. The truth being that Jeb already knew...] How did... you find out those things? [He continues to attempt to comfort him as he asks.]

Edited 2013-06-08 03:16 (UTC)

[The words come out, crashing and jumbling together.] Someone asked me about something I'd written in the journal, but it was before I arrived and I didn't know what he was talking about...

I found what I'd written, and-- [Tears are spilling out, and he can't stop them. What he had found was painful and jarring. Every word in his own handwriting had viciously flipped the world upside down.] It was like looking at a completely different person, but it was me...!

[Jeb listens, quiet, as he pulls Mithos closer and continues to rub his back.]

How did you feel about the things the other you said, Mithos? What sort of things... did you find?

[Holding him tighter, trying to will him to calm down at least a little. He remembers a time all too familiar to this--a memory fabricated by the Malnosso of him comforting Mithos just like this, back when both of them thought they were together--and his stomach flips.

It just feels weird to really be holding Mithos like this now, but not because of the past fake romantic feelings. No, it's because even though Mithos has been like this for a while, Jeb's become more accustomed to the blond being taller, not small enough to fit in his arms and comfort like this.

Not that height matters in the long run. No matter what, Mithos is fragile, easy to shatter. And right now, all Jeb wants is to cradle hold those pieces of his friend and help him stay together.]

It's okay, Mithos... you can tell me. I'm not going to judge you. I could never judge you.

Edited 2013-07-04 10:06 (UTC)

I know you won't... [He trusts him, and he feels less lost with Jeb's arms around him, like he's tethered to something. A few shuddering breaths. The words are engraved in his memory but he's afraid to repeat the specifics aloud, because that will cement it in reality.]

I sound like I've given up hope...like I don't trust anyone, or anything, anymore! "When is it no longer worth it?" I asked. [The weight of those words is enough to stifle his voice. In the silence, mottled only by his sobs, he rubs at his eyes and wishes he had never seen any of this.]

I must be so lonely...so unhappy... I don't want to end up like that! [And there were names he didn't know, hints of people who must have been important, and it only complicates the mystery of his future self. Who were they?] There were people who wanted to help me...who offered to be my friend, but I wouldn't listen. Why can't he-- I see that they're just trying to help?

...it sounds like you were hurt really badly, somewhere down the line. [And Jeb knows more than he's letting on, but for now he just wants to comfort Mithos. He doesn't stop rubbing the blond's back.] That you're afraid of getting the help you want because you don't want to be hurt anymore.

[He holds Mithos tighter, like his friend will disappear if he lets go (which Jeb knows is entirely possible, for many reasons.)]

...I'd never hold something like that against you. I'm sure the people who made the offers haven't held it against you, either. I'm sure they'll keep trying, and eventually things will be okay...

[He shifts to wrap his arms around Jeb, tightly, even as his body trembles.]

Thank you...thank you, Jeb. [His voice is a whisper; he doesn't know what else to say. The doubts tremor through him, but he wants to believe Jeb's words. He'll choose to believe them, because it's what he needs to hear. I'd never hold something like that against you.]

It's amazing... [There are some amazing people in this village, aren't there? They can accept him even though he's a half-elf; they still choose to care, for some reason, even after the horrible things he's said and done in the future.] It's really amazing, isn't it?

[As Mithos' arms wrap around him, Jeb surprisingly relaxes. He's just happy Mithos is able to let this out, able to at least let someone hold him as he lets out all these painful things.]

You're welcome... [He stops rubbing Mithos' back in favor of petting his hair. Another method of trying to calm his friend, another way to cradle the pieces of Mithos that can't quite seem to stay together. He registers Mithos' question, then answers:] You mean the village? Yes, it... it really is. The people here have helped me a lot, too.

[He tries to pull Mithos closer, almost on the verge of tears himself. He's trying to hold himself together, though. For Mithos' sake...]

I just wish I could see that...I wish I wouldn't lose sight of how good the people are here. [But how can he convince himself - a version of himself separated by such a vast stretch of time - of anything?]

I was really happy when I first came here. I was afraid of what might happen, but it turns out I didn't need to be afraid at all - everyone is so accepting... I finally found the place where half-elves can be accepted, where anyone can be accepted. It made me really happy...

...I'm glad. [He keeps holding Mithos.] I'm glad it made you happy. I want you to be happy whenever possible...

[He's smiling, but his own body is trembling now and he's still holding back tears.]

You're my friend, so of course I want that. So, even if... even if you lose sight of the acceptance this village holds again, I...

Thank you... [He wishes there were words that meant more, but he has to settle for these.]

I'm really lucky to have you as a friend. [Even if he can't see it after everything he hasn't gone through yet... He hopes Jeb can meet his future self - even if the thought scares him, because everything about who he will become scares him - and help him too.] It won't be too late, will it? [He doesn't want it to be...]

You're welcome, Mithos! Don't worry about it...

[But he thinks about that question.

"Too late"... no. No, it can't be! If it wasn't too late before Mithos reverted to this age, then it's not now! Jeb can't accept that... he won't--]

...no.

No, it'll never be too late. The village will still accept you! And even if... even if they don't somehow, I'll never give up on you. No matter what, you're still my friend. You'll still be precious to me, Mithos.

[Still trembling, but he means every word of it.]

Even if you reject it, I'll always stand by your side. I'll always defend you. Even if you push me away a thousand times, I won't give up.

We'll always be friends, okay? I promise.

[All of that, for him? For him? He wants to complete the promise, but...he can't control what his future self thinks, can he? All he can do is hope that Jeb - that someone, anyone - will be able to open his eyes. He doesn't want to waste his time here stumbling around in the darkness.]

I trust you. [Don't let him down...please...]

Edited 2013-07-21 04:49 (UTC)

[Those three words ring in his ears for a few moments. He's trembling less, smiling softly. He lets out a soft, content sigh, letting his own worries be washed away.]

I'll give the other you a reason to trust me, too. [Which is why he doesn't mind if Mithos doesn't complete the promise.] Because... Mithos Yggdrasill is someone important to me.

No matter which one it is.

[He draws back from the embrace, to study his friend's face. A smile lights across his face and it only takes a moment to turn sheepish.] I'm sorry - I came out here to listen to you, but I ended up talking a lot about myself...

[One hand now lingers on Jeb's shoulder.] Thank you... I really can't say that enough, can I?

That's okay. It looks like you had a lot to say too, so I'm glad you got it off your chest.

[He can't help but blush at the fact that Mithos' hand lingers on his shoulder.] I... well, only if you think you can't. [...there's something else he should mention too, isn't there? Since... he can explain to this Mithos.]

I.... um, about earlier this month, Mithos...

[Mithos tenses, heat flashing across his face, as memories from just a few weeks ago pour into his mind; he pulls his hand back from Jeb, suddenly awkward about how close they are. His smile is forced now.]

Don't worry about it! It was because the Malnosso were running an experiment, right?

[After he woke up and realized it wasn't real, he...wasn't sure how to feel about everything that had happened. He had never kissed anyone before or thought about someone in that way; he still has reservations about the legitimacy of the concept of liking another boy. To be pushed into that unfamiliar territory was embarrassing, and to have his mind and heart manipulated like that was alarming.]

[Jeb can tell how tense things just got, feeling bad when Mithos' hand drops and when he notices how forced Mithos' smile now seems. He tries to laugh.]

Right! It was because of that, but I... I still wanted to apologize to you, Mithos. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

[He shouldn't have again. But how much power does he really hold during those times? None at all, really. And Mithos wasn't the only one Jeb felt such attraction towards this time...]

...I'm sorry for bringing it up, too. It must have been... really weird for you, right?

[And Mithos had just started smiling for real again... Jeb's really upset with himself, now--he's so stupid!]

Yeah... [What is he doing? He just told Jeb that he trusted him; he had opened up his heart and spilled the darkest parts of himself out. He can talk about anything with Jeb, can't he? His smile fades and he looks away, embarrassed.]

I don't like not having any control over my own actions. [Which is part of why his future self terrifies him so much.]

I...

[He hates that he's caused more tension again. He hates it, hates it, hates it--]

I don't like not having control over what I do, either. When I do things, I want it to be because... because I want to. Because I truly want to, not because I'm made to. So I understand... [He does want to be Mithos' friend. He wasn't lying, and that's something the real him wants. But while he does love Mithos as a friend, he doesn't love Mithos romantically. There's only one person Jeb feels that way about, and how many times have the Malnosso made him betray her by this point?]

I really shouldn't have brought it up...

[He holds himself loosely, trying to gain control over himself. To not get too upset, because how can he even fight against an experiment?]

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imatreenow - 2013-07-28 23:29 (UTC) - Expand

[feburary 25th, action] holy shit jeb that is deep when did you get so deep

sketchingideals - 2013-08-02 08:09 (UTC) - Expand

✘ appointments

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[feburary 25th, action] HOW THE FUCK DID I MISS THIS /seethe

[feburary 25th, action] :3

[feburary 25th, action] seriously how could i forget kawaii sad fakeshotas

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[feburary 25th, action] holy shit jeb that is deep when did you get so deep