imatreenow | twenty [action]

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twenty [action]

[Almost a week ago Mithos had returned from a mission, the first he'd ever volunteered for. It may have seemed a strange choice for someone who trusted no one, who loathed being a pawn for others, to submit himself as a lab rat for combat testing, but his choices are narrowing around him. There is something he is after. Something he can finally close his fingers around, after watching it all scream past him for so long. If he is going to be used by the Malnosso regardless of his choices, it is better that he gains something from it - which he'd had to remind himself many times to dampen the sour taste sitting in the back of his throat.

Now back in the village, he has resumed the same quiet routine as before. In the early morning, before the sun is too hot in the sky, and before too many villagers are awake, he can be seen hunched over in the garden around House 52. He tries not to wonder if the flowers, planted with the thin hope that his sister might have the chance to enjoy them, amount to anything more than a vain effort. When he decides he needs more supplies, he makes sure to visit the flower shop in the early afternoon - wondering, like a scratch in the back of his mind, if school is still in session at all, or if he'll run into someone he would rather not see at all.

Later in the day, he withdraws to the woods south of the village to train. Four thousand years of fighting are wired inside his muscles, but it doesn't hurt to stay as sharp as possible. He's still getting used to the subtle differences between a proper sword and the knife he now relies on. Slicing the air, going through the motions of killing, he feels like he is building something. When he's done, he settles in against the base of a tree and draws the ancient set of panpipes from his pocket. He usually prefers to play inside, where the music of his sister cannot be heard by prying ears, but surrounded by the forest and his thoughts he can almost forget that people exist. And so the notes come out, clear and steady.]

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... I don't doubt that you are still. Irreplaceable. She's a girl who clings so tightly to what is precious, it stays with her even if her memory betrays her. [Even if people say that they return to their worlds and times as though nothing had ever happened, he can't believe that. Not when each soul has an impact on the ones it meets, no matter how small. Even if memories were forgotten, that impact couldn't be taken away.

He sighs softly, looking back up at Mithos carefully through his dark hair. Right now, like this, Mithos was acting more like the person he had met all those months ago. More like the person he thought he was like, sharing the same fears and insecurities. So he hadn't been wrong... that person he had called a friend still existed, if only behind layers of pain and anger that blinded him to genuine kindness.

It was something he understood well.] We first started communicating when we were eleven years of age... I understand she was here for some time, that she was before we realized we were more alike than we realized.

[He whips his eyes back up to Aleos, but their fierceness can't hide the jagged cracks he feels dividing his insides into smaller and frailer pieces. He doesn't want to accept words of comfort from him. The bitter taste of resentment overwhelms him - here is someone who knew Kaori for longer than he ever had the chance to, who knows all kinds of things he wishes he did.

It isn't fair.

Everything he felt the day she left hasn't left him. His system is poisoned with all the festering regrets and what-ifs; his voice shakes with it, braced only by his anger.]

She doesn't even know who I am anymore. I can't do anything to protect her, or make her happy, or anything. [He shouldn't be this vulnerable with Aleos, but it spills out on its own.] How am I supposed to find comfort in that?

You're not the only one who she can't remember, if that's true. Even back in our home, there are people whose faces she can't quite match. [And it made him afraid for her, afraid of what she might do so she could know who those people were. There were moments when she spoke that left him feeling cold and unable to speak, trapped in a confusion that wasn't quite horror at the words she would share.]

I don't expect you to be comforted, frankly I would be angered as well. Have been. [Not just with her, but with so many others. There was nothing he could do, he was useless and nothing more than a burden.] And I know you're not the only one here who might feel that way.

[So he was another blurred face to her, an erased memory she would never recover until the day she returned.]

I cared about her more than anyone else here. [His tone is cutting, discouraging any argument to the contrary. He knows she had let others into her life - faces he didn't care to know, only to distrust - but he also knows that she could not have been more important to them than she was to him, simply because they all had others. The less you have, the more fiercely you value what you can hold in your hands.]

I was the only one who accepted everything about her. [He let her hate and distrust, never judging or looking down on her - the same safe haven she gave him.]

Edited 2013-07-16 00:35 (UTC)

The only one? [That proclamation, that assumption angered him more than anything else Mithos has said in all the times they had talked. No, he wasn't going to let him live with that arrogance, not when he knows that she would have hated to be grounded in such a way.]

Four surviving men, one surviving woman and five more who have predeceased them. Those are her adoptive siblings alone, her friends dedicated to protecting their adoptive father because of the love and salvation he granted them, to protecting his two blood daughters, to a niece and nephew. Her twin brother, who stood by her side when her blindness began at the cost of the ability to fly on his own. Tell me, how are you the only one who accepted everything about her?

[That anger, that he could say such a thing bubbles within him, and though he knows that if he were thinking clearly he would stop there. But he can't because he doesn't want to believe this person had tried to chain her with that thinking.

... Had that happened?] Myself as well... who accepted her before even knowing we were alike.

Edited (oops wrong thing) 2013-07-16 00:54 (UTC)

[He had already realized how much more he wanted to know about her the day she left, heart swimming with questions he would never get the chance to ask. But now he's slowly realizing how little he really knew about her. He understood her feelings and her thoughts - hadn't he? - but so many other details escape his grasp.

It doesn't matter what Aleos is; right now, Mithos hates him for unearthing the broad pits in his understanding. He had wanted to know everything...]

Shut up! You weren't here when she was! [But he wasn't with her in her world, when Aleos was.] You didn't...you didn't see everything I saw! [Like scrambling for a foothold on the sheer face of a cliff - but he doesn't know what else to say.]

I'm the one who never told her she was wrong to hate, or weak to distrust. I'm the one who never forced her to forgive, when that would be impossible. She needed that, and I gave it to her.

Edited 2013-07-16 01:44 (UTC)

And she's not wrong, none of us are! [None of us. None of the halflings, none of those who had suffered from that hatred they had been dealt. Aleos knows he's been distrusting, been so close to hating even before knowing the truth of everything. But for whatever reason, forgiveness had always been dealt much more easily by him even when he questioned whether a person deserved it.

Maybe it's because he knows what it's like to be continuously hated, and didn't want to see that hatred hurt those around him.]

I know I wasn't here, by the gods and earth I am grateful she did find people here who accept her. [Even if he can't trust them completely, if he ever would.] But she didn't need to be fed more hatred, not when she's proven forgiveness is possible just by daring to befriend someone who didn't share our blood at all, in this world.

[He must have spoken with Freyjadour...and Frey knew that someone from Kaori's world was here, but he hadn't bothered to tell him. He doesn't know why he would expect anything more.]

Growing close with one human isn't the same as forgiving the entire race! [He would know. Even though he had come to see Sayo as family - as a mother - he still couldn't bring himself to cease his hatred for others of her kind. He shoves away the quiet objections his memory makes, other exceptions who he refuses to believe are exceptions.]

Do you really think she would have been better off surrounded by people who can't understand her hatred? People who invalidate what she feels, just because they're strong enough to keep looking forward no matter what happens?

I was under the impression that it was more than one. [That was what Frey had said, and then there were the few Humans she had mentioned back home... People she had admitted she loved.]

And no, I don't. That's why she was brought home to a family who would help her. [Before he knew her, that vague time she could scarcely remember without trembling in emotion.] That's why... that's why I was chosen to be by her side. I will be the last to proclaim myself a patron of patience and free of anger, but her adoptive mother somehow knew we could help each other.

[More than one - he doesn't need to be reminded. That was the one thing he hadn't been able to understand about her, how she had learned to let her guard down - even just a little bit - around so many. It was what had scared him into pushing her away that time, because he thought for the first time that she was on a level different from the one he had always languished on.

He can't - and won't - argue against the importance of family, although he knows that Kaori had given him something Martel never could, and he knows - thinks? - he had done the same in return. A perfect circle.

But what Aleos says next throws him off.]

You were...chosen? [What did he mean by that?]

... Among our kind, it's common for... similar souls, to be paired together. Souls that would understand each other on a level no others are ever likely to. When the time comes... [He swallows once, eyes closing as a chill ran through him. There was no denying that his relationship with her was different, that he loves her. He just doesn't know what sort of love it is, and then there's the knowledge that somewhere there was a person whom she did care that way for.

And somehow, he couldn't be angry with her for that. Only wish that she would be happy, because it would do nothing to change the level of understanding and acceptance she had given him, the sanctuary they provided one another. She had been happy when he told her that...] Regardless of what relationship forms, that bond the souls share is unbreakable. When the time comes, if they choose to... they would wed.

[That chill wouldn't go away, and breathing... was becoming difficult.]

[Aleos's words, his presence, the ugly thoughts decomposing in his mind...all had drained his heart already, but now whatever was left inside him shrivels, collapses, folds down into nothingness. His limbs still feel like stone on the verge of crumbling.

On a level no others are ever likely to.

His relationship with Kaori was grounded in the resolve that they understood each other in a way nobody else ever would, so to hear that she found that with someone else... He had been replaced. The realization sinks in deeper, burrowing its barbs into him so it cannot be pulled back out.

But it's not just that. They would wed. That final statement carries the cold omen of a death sentence. His fists are shaking. He wants to break his knuckles hitting something; he wouldn't even care. Because she was - is - so important to him, and because he can't trust Aleos with her. Because he hates the idea of her smiling at him and holding his hand.

An old thought - something he had almost forgotten about - rises in the swamp of his mind. The difference between caring about someone as a friend, and caring about her as...he doesn't know what. Something more.

It scares him with its strange newness. New because all his experience with anything like that was all fabricated, something he hated and tried to cast from his mind. New because...he had never stopped to think about it. He had been too wrapped up in his desperate goals, his hatred, his anger, his doubts, and every other ugly preoccupation clouding his sight.

But...]

[It takes a moment, but he finally remembers how to put words together. ]

You and...and Kaori. [Not a question, but a statement he's trying to understand. His thoughts are all spiraling away from him, and he doesn't know how to put them together.]

[His eyes had opened in time to catch the other's fists begin to shake, and looking at him right now, there's something familiar about the way he read. Perhaps it had been because he had felt it not long before he came here, a feeling of betrayal by someone else—no, it wasn't just her. It was several people.

And he can't hate him for feeling that way. More than anything, he wondered why she never told Mithos any of this... Then again, it was in the nature of their kind to avoid saying anything at all about themselves, if possible, Countless generations of being hunted down had hammered that mindset into the very center of their subconscious.

He breathes in again, though his eyes would occasionally shift between those fists and Mithos' face. It was so familiar.] ... I don't know. Things are... complicated.

[If she still wanted him, he knew he would cherish her and fight for her equality in the eyes of the elders. But that was the truth no matter what, and the things she had shared with him before that made him wonder if she would continue to think of him as her fiance.]

... Mithos, I... [He'd seen that hurt before.] Did you... see her as more?

[More. More than friends. The question startles all words out of him. His instinct is to deny it, because feelings like that are vulnerable, bruisable, something you hold close to yourself - and because he doesn't know what he thinks.] No!

No, I... [She's his best friend. Someone like him, weak and fragile and broken. Someone who needed to be protected, who needed to be reminded that she mattered. And he wanted to do that for her. He wanted her to turn to him first when she needed help. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to be important to her. He wanted to matter.]

Kaori is my best friend. [He reasserts, but his wide-eyed look shows that his thoughts are not with the words he's saying.] She means more to me than what I know how to say.

[More than he had ever figured out how to say...

Aleos had said it was complicated. He can't ignore the slight lift of his chest when he hears that - unmistakable relief that Aleos would be kept apart from Kaori, for whatever reason. He doesn't even care what the reason is, as long as it's a reason.

The way he feels about her now is the same way he felt the last time he had seen her. Nothing has changed, has it? Then...he tries to remember farther back. When he was still wracked by doubts, still taking his first tentative steps toward her - looking back, it's hard to find the seams of where one feeling changed into another. She had become such an important piece of his life so quickly... Even when he had rejected her, it had been because his feelings for her were too large for him to contain. He hadn't been able to stay away.

But did he really...think of her like that?]

Edited 2013-07-16 05:16 (UTC)

More than you even know how to deal with... Or perhaps even realize. [He felt the same, but eventually he was able to pin down exactly what it was once time had passed. She was... a sister, if he were being honest with himself. Maybe that's why, when people began to ask him why he loved and stood up for her, he had been able to smile and shrug them away.

But this is something Mithos hasn't figured out, isn't it? Even more, he wonders if he should be helping him, because even if it were true neither of them could reach Kaori right now.

And he didn't know if he wanted someone who encouraged her to hate even more by her side that way, rather than simply holding her hand when she would grit her teeth in hatred, squeezing it in a way that reassured her that he understood, and at the same time was proud that she would choose to not spread that hate further no matter how much it hurt.

Because hurt was always going to be a part of life, why add more to it?] How new was it to you, how much do you know about different types of love?

I don't need you to explain for me. [He's slowly pulling himself together, getting his bearings again - or at least he can start to pretend. This isn't something he wants to piece together with Aleos. He isn't even sure if wants to wade through it on his own, because he's scared of what he might find.

A perfect circle. If he thought of her as something more than a friend, did she see him the same way? And what if she didn't? The circle would be broken...

He desperately scatters these thoughts. It's not hard to do when his mind is spinning as fast as it is. But that also means the thoughts will return sooner rather than later, with a snap of whiplash.

He knows what love is. He loves his sister, more than anything in the world. He thinks he must love Sayo - and he had never gotten the chance to tell her how important she was - because she's his family too. And Kaori...he loves her too, right? As a friend, as someone unlike anyone else he'd ever met... Someone he had tried his best for. He had felt strong in a way he had all but forgotten about when he resolved to stop running, when he had chosen to be by her side and try to make her happy, when he had let her try to do the same for him.]

Edited 2013-07-16 06:24 (UTC)

Then I will assume it is a passing phase, common when we are of this age. Nothing more. [But he knows that's not true, that dismissing this could be a grave error. He knows what position he has placed himself in upon admitting the status of his relationship with Kaori, had seen firsthand how someone courting could act in a bout of jealousy. And he knows how offended he himself would be if someone trivialized his treasured relationships that way, platonic or romantic.

So why was he doing it? To bait Mithos? No, that wasn't it. He wouldn't do that when it came to matters that could do easily wound the heart. Perhaps this was his own way of further discovering the extent of Mithos' care, and more than anything what sort of person he would be toward her, with the way he will react.

Whatever it may be, he knows that when it comes to people he valued so deeply there was no room for error.] If you don't need me to explain, I will believe you when you say she is a dear friend. Some people have episodes when they find their friends in a different light, but it might be nothing more than a passing thought.

She's not just a passing thought! [He's speaking with his heart instead of his head, and contradicting what he had said just moments before. His fists are still shaking, aching for destruction. He can't stand the thought of Aleos belittling what he feels for Kaori, or believing that he could somehow care about her more.

Which means he's just proved himself wrong, hasn't he?

He re-tightens his glare, trying to seal himself off as much as he can, hating how vulnerable Aleos has rendered him.]

What do you even want from me? [A hasty change of subject, because he doesn't want to think about all the new thoughts eddying through him. What is the point of thinking about all of this now? No matter how he feels, she's gone. And he doesn't need her absence to hurt more than it already does.]

I want to know the people who protected her when I couldn't, who somehow made her smile. [He owed gratitude to every one of them, even if he wasn't sure how he would even express it or if they would even want it. Like Mithos, would they all not take it well that he had more time with her, that when he goes back home he will have more time?

He knows it would be almost unbearable, hearing that.]

I could ask you the same thing, you were the one who asked if I knew her. There's things I know about her that I'm sure you would want to know... Or you want me gone simply because I do know her. I can't think for you.

So the better question is what do you want from me, that's what you should be asking. [Even if he's asked the question may times, from so many different people. Even if the frustration made him crumple and want to turn the world away.]

[His mouth fills with questions, but will the answers draw him closer to Kaori or just make him feel the vast distance between them more sharply? He already has too much to think about. He wishes he hadn't let his curiosity lead him - hungry for even a whisper of Kaori's presence, he hadn't been able to stop himself.

It always hurts to be dragged out of ignorance. To be pulled out of the cave and forced to take in the eye-searing sunlight.]

I just want to be left alone. [His voice is wooden as he tries to keep his emotions locked up tight, where they can carve him from the inside but no one will know.]

Edited (needed a more emo icon) 2013-07-16 20:30 (UTC)

... I don't think you want me to actually do that. [The look on his face, the sound of his voice and everything he has said up until now, everything was contradicting each other in a way he... understood.

Being a halfling himself, he knows how it all feels to have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions clashing inside him, attempting to one over the other as surely as his different bloods did. So he can't believe Mithos wants that.]

You asked how I could tell from a song... the truth is, I'm not entirely sure. I just know the pain of missing someone I can't reach no matter how much I may want to.

You don't know what I want! [And neither does he. He just wants to believe that he isn't as lost as he really is, that the endless litany of doubts and questions bubbling up from somewhere deep inside him can be silenced if he just presses down on it hard enough.

But he knows he doesn't want these words of understanding - words that reach into him and tie them together - from Aleos. Not when it's something Kaori used to give him. Something only she could give him. Something he had ached for for so long, something that had always, always been missing--]

And don't pretend to understand how I feel!

No I don't, because you keep giving all these mixed signals that really? The act of that makes more sense to me than either you or I would probably like to admit. [It was infuriating, like staring at a shadow of himself that he knows exists with him and will always follow no matter how far he runs. Always there, always haunting yet innocent and representing what it was he hated about himself.

That's the core of why he can't let this go, can't really afford to. There were answers in his hostility whether he wanted them or not.]

I'm not you, you're not me, Kaori is neither of us and the same can be said for every other person out there, regardless of bloods. That makes it more devastating doesn't it? So why are you trying to destroy what little understanding you can get when it's so precious and rare already?

[Because he's scared. He's scared of being hurt, of being disappointed, even if he can't get any more broken, even if solitude is what broke him into such tiny pieces to begin with.

He hates that Aleos can read his confusion, like his skin is paper-thin and the gnarled feelings inside him is plainly in sight. He hates that he doesn't know how he feels or what he's thinking, because he doesn't know how to hide it if he can't discern its shape.]

Just leave me alone!

[The space between the trees feels narrower. He doesn't want to be here. He wants to hide from himself. Does he feel that way? About her? He's still searching through memories even as he tries to empty his mind. ...I want you to stay... Because I'm happy you were born...

His hand reaches into his pocket, brushing against the handle of the knife, and his stance shifts just slightly. If he could cut everything away...]

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